he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
