Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
