The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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