you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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