I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
