One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Randomize
