Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Randomize
