I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Randomize