I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize