Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
she peed on how many people?
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
