i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Randomize
