Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
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