Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Sober January is a disaster.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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