If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
