my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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