I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
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