So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Randomize
