wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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