We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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