toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
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