I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
