I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
