hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
I AM VODKA MAN
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
