i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I need moral support for this bender
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
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