The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Randomize
