I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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