Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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