Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize