I molested 6 butterflies tonight
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
