He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Randomize
