My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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