I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
