I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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