when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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