Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
