I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
