i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
