A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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