i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
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