Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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