Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Randomize
