what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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