OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
