i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
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