just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
