I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
