Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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