Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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