that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
