Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
apparently the secret to your success is patron
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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