Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
