absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize