I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Randomize
