One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Randomize
