My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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