he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
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