Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
