I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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